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Sex is one of the basic human desires. All of us are sexual beings. Some of us may be more active than others and some may have different orientation than others but all of us have the urge to merge. This urge is not merely natural, it is Nature--evolving, expressing and expanding. What is all this talk about sex and relationships in recovery anyway?
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Many people find discussions about sex, sexual desires, sex drive and sexual orientation too difficult to broach. Many are unwilling to honestly and openly discuss their personal sex issues in any forum whatsoever. Many plan on taking some of their sex secrets to their grave. The unfortunate result is that many people will do exactly that.
The fact is that sex drive plays an important role in most human behaviors including addiction. Personal insecurities, abandonment issues, codependency issues, boundary setting, boundary respecting and toxic shame are just a few related components that affect intimate relationships.
Negative emotions that can neither be APPROPRIATELY integrated nor diffused will very often lead a person back to their primary coping mechanism which is drugs or alcohol. Relapse is pervasive throughout the recovery community and successful recovery requires addressing EVERY ISSUE including the “s” word. Don’t worry, you don’t have to do them all at once but you have to do some sooner than others and you cannot drink or use in between. Recovery is a clean and sober endeavor.
So now what? The fact remains that there are more questions than answers and we can hardly get into all of the questions in this article. We will try and answer a few of the most important questions.
How can I be honest in a relationship?
Is casual sex okay?
What is a healthy sex life???
Dishonesty is a core issue for many addicts and alcoholics. Manipulation, self-centeredness and selfishness are pervasive character flaws that keep many from experiencing life to the fullest. Our dishonesty affects our mate’s ability to trust us. Who could feel safe in a relationship with a liar, cheat and manipulator? No person could. Even in dysfunctional relationships there is a natural desire for close personal contact. For addicts and alcoholics this can lead to sex being masqueraded as intimacy.
An important tool in relearning how to be honest is to PAUSE before speaking. Check and see if what you are about to say is truthful. If it is not, correct it before you say it or do not say anything at all. It is more difficult to be dishonest when you are not speaking. The simple tool of “pausing” may help you recover. The AA book reads, “pause when agitated or doubtful.” When it comes to sex we say, “pause when excited and certain.”
Surely there’s nothing wrong with casual sober sex between consenting adults, where no one is being misled or lied to, right?
If we were solely physical beings, this viewpoint would carry more weight. The complex truth is that we are mental, emotional, and spiritual beings as well. To compartmentalize intimacy, and close off part of whom we are means that we compromise our own honesty and integrity and that of our sexual partner. Either way, our recovery is compromised. With continued sacrificing of our core beliefs our dimmer switch starts dialing down our light—so gradually, we might not even notice it.
Another problem with casual sober sex is the possibility we may get hooked emotionally. Psychologists tell us that when we begin using drugs or alcohol our emotional growth stops. Other childhood problems such as; emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse; loss, trauma, abandonment or neglect, can stunt our emotional development. We may be 40 chronologically, but 16 years old emotionally. What odds would you give to a couple of 16 year old kids embarking on a casual sexual relationship? A car cannot go in two directions at the same time and neither can we. Until we develop emotional intelligence strong enough to put recovery first and keep recovery first—no matter what is going on around us—we are not ready to navigate a new relationship no matter how casual it supposedly is.
If you are already in a supportive, committed relationship—stay there. If you are not in a relationship—stay there. If you are in an unhealthy/abusive relationship—reach out and get help (life doesn’t have to be like that).
We are an instant culture—from fast food to liposuction. We’re just not that into delayed gratification. The bad news is that recovery is a process—nothing instant about it. The good news is, so is life. There is peace and freedom in making friends with this fact. A stronger, healthier you, means stronger, healthier relationships and then you can find out what a truly healthy sober-sex-life is for you. |
