Sober Sex

What Does Being Sober Mean?

The first thing to understand is that sobriety and abstinence from drugs and alcohol is not the same thing. Sobriety and abstinence may be two sides of the same coin but abstinence is a behavior to not use drugs or alcohol while sobriety is a state of mind usually referring to being both calm and content.

Unlike abstinence, sobriety is dependent upon abstinence. Without abstinence sobriety cannot be achieved. You can be abstinent but not sober if you cannot achieve a calm and content state of mind.

Sexual abstinence refers to abstaining from oral sexual behavior and sexual intercourse between two or more persons. It generally doesn’t refer to masturbation. In fact, asexual behavior is considered to be abstaining from sex especially within the recovery from drugs and alcohol community.

Is It Safe To Have Sex In Early Sobriety?

One of the more personal subjects discussed between an AA sponsor and his or her sponsee is whether or not he or she is ready to enter into a sexual relationship. More specifically whether having a sexual relationship within the first year of sobriety is a good idea or not.

Sex can be a difficult subject to broach for both sponsee and sponsor. This article is not going to discuss addiction to sex or pornography and it is certainly not referring to masturbation. Just for clarification, masturbation is considered a healthy sexual outlet for the vast majority of people as long as it does not interfere with your life, affect your responsibilities or risk your personal freedom. Masturbation is the safest sex there is and it’s an effective coping mechanism.

This article is written to help people decide for themselves on what is safe for them and what is not. It is a different take on the subject of safe sex. When is the right time to have a sexual relationship with another person? Having sex while maintaining a sober lifestyle can be a risky undertaking – no pun intended.

A powerful reality of life is that our emotions play a huge role in our behavior. And negative emotions, specifically resentments, are possibly the most powerful motivators that cause a person to leave their sober lifestyle and go back to using drugs and alcohol.

Sexual relations regardless of how causal the sex may seem comes with a certain degree of risk both physical and mental. In this article we are referring to the mental risk and how to limit that risk and maintain your sobriety.

So how secure are you to maintain a calm and content state of mind whether or not a sexual relationship you engage in goes poorly? That is a question you must honestly ask yourself and answer it in a calm and content state of mind - devoid of impulsivity. As it is, impulsivity and sensation seeking are common personality traits of drugs addicts and alcoholics and making an impulsive decision to have sex can be dangerous. So if you’re abstinent from sex, drugs and alcohol but still behaving in an impulsive or sensation seeking manner the danger of making a poor decision is greatly increased.

Sex in Sobriety!

Sex is one of the basic human desires. All of us are sexual beings. Some of us may be more active than others and some may have a different sexual orientation than others but all of us have the urge to merge. This urge is not merely natural, it is Nature--evolving, expressing and expanding. What is all this talk about sex and relationships in early recovery anyway?

The fact is that sex drive plays an important role in most human behaviors including addiction. Personal insecurities, abandonment issues, codependency issues, boundary setting, boundary respecting and toxic shame are just a few related components that affect intimate relationships.

Negative emotions that do not get properly integrated or diffused often lead a person back to their original coping mechanisms. Which for addicts and alcoholics is drugs or alcohol. Unfortunately, relapse is common problem throughout the recovery community and successful recovery requires the desire to actively address personal issues including sexual issues. Don’t worry, you don’t have to do them all at once but you have to do some sooner than others and you cannot drink or use drugs in between. Recovery is a clean and sober endeavor.

So now what? The fact remains that there are more questions than answers and we cannot answer all of the sex related questions in this article. We will try and answer a few of them in the next few paragraphs.

How Can I Be Honest In A Relationship?

Dishonesty is a core issue for many addicts and alcoholics. Manipulation, self-centeredness and selfishness are pervasive character flaws that keep many people from experiencing life to the fullest. Our dishonesty affects our mate’s ability to trust us. Who would feel safe in a relationship with a liar, cheat and a thief? No person would and no person could!

Even in dysfunctional relationships there is a natural desire for close personal contact. For addicts and alcoholics this can lead to sex being masqueraded as intimacy.

An important tool in relearning how to be honest is to PAUSE before speaking. Check and see if what you are about to say is truthful. If it is not, correct it before you say it or do not say anything at all. It is more difficult to be dishonest when you are not speaking. The simple tool of “pausing before acting” will help you maintain a healthy self-esteem and remain calm and content. The goal is to allow you to look in the mirror and like what you see. The AA book reads, “pause when agitated or doubtful.” When it comes to sex we say, “pause when excited and positive.”

Is Casual Sex Okay?

Surely there’s nothing wrong with casual sober sex between consenting adults, where no one is being misled or lied to - right?

If we were solely physical beings, this viewpoint would carry more weight. The complex truth is that we are mental, emotional, and spiritual beings as well. To compartmentalize intimacy, and close off part of who we are means that we compromise our own honesty and integrity and that of our sexual partner. Either way, our recovery is compromised. With continued sacrificing of our core beliefs our dimmer switch starts dialing down our light—so gradually, we might not even notice it.

Another problem with casual sober sex is the possibility we may get hooked emotionally. Psychologists tell us that when we begin using drugs or alcohol our emotional growth stops. Other childhood problems such as; emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse; loss, trauma, abandonment or neglect, can stunt our emotional development. We may be 40 chronologically, but 16 years old emotionally. What odds would you give to a couple of 16-year-old kids embarking on a casual sexual relationship? A car cannot go in two directions at the same time and neither can we. Until we develop a calm and content state of mind strong enough to put recovery first and keep recovery first—no matter what is going on around us—we are not ready to navigate a new relationship no matter how casual it supposedly is.

What is a healthy sex life?

A healthy sex life is - a sex life that fulfills your needs and your mates needs. It is a sexual relationship that doesn’t harm anyone else and doesn’t cause you or your mate to feel guilt or shame.

Guide To Sober Sex.

Become what you are looking for in a mate! If you want a healthy person who doesn’t smoke, exercises and doesn’t gossip. Change your life and become a healthier person who does not smoke, exercises and doesn’t gossip. Your healthy and attractive personalities will find each other.

If you are already in a supportive, committed relationship—stay there. If you are not in a relationship—stay there. If you are in an unhealthy/abusive relationship—reach out and get help (life doesn’t have to be like that).

Conclusion to Sober Sex

We are an instant culture—from fast food to liposuction. We’re just not into delayed gratification. The bad news is that recovery is a process—nothing instant about it. The good news is - so is life. There is peace and freedom in making friends with this fact. A stronger, healthier you, means stronger, healthier relationships and then you can find out what a truly healthy sober-sex-life is for you.

SOBER SEX

Sex in Sobriety